"Why We Do Not Masturbate In Public"

Blessed blessed blessed! Holy! Holy!

Many of you do not like me! Many of you do not listen to me! But my brothers and sisters in Eris (for we are all brothers and sisters, amongst many other things, in Eris), I have been sent by God to bring you a great Truth, known to only a very few men throughout history! It is the Holy Wordless But Nonethess Described, the King of Kings and Lord of All But A Very Few. God of a great and terrible power here in this world, EVERPRESENT and INDESTRUCTIBLE, and our last and most fearsome judge.

For all who see Truth let this Truth be clear: GOD IS AS REAL AS ANY ROCK, CABBAGE, OR HUMAN BEING. God's ways are unknown to us, and though God makes Godself known to us, many refuse to believe!

Alas for you, economists and pharisees, politicians, HYPOCRITES! If we speak of stories, we must speak only of stories, for stories are the fundamental basis of reality. Have you not read that the man who walks into the light of day will be blinded by the sun, only to see more dimly when he returns to the darkness of his house? Do not stare directly into the sun! It has been known to create visions in the great shamens of old!

Peace, my friends. All systems, words, symbols and ideas carry with them some truth, some falsity, some goodness, some evil, and a cornerstone of meaninglessness. You will all find what you seek, so seek wisely. Remember that the world makes no sense, only people can do that, and no one makes the same sense as you. Believe everything and doubt everything; see the world in all its contradictory clarity; stare Eris in the third eye and you will recieve a lifetime supply of Slack from Jesus Himself, for no law can bind those who live in the Spirit.

The reason we do not masturbate in public is...